8 habits you should give up to make your relationship last

Over time, sneaky habits can slip into even the strongest relationships. Maybe you catch yourself tallying up chores or replaying old arguments in your mind. Perhaps you feel a minor urge to ‘tweak’ your partner. To uncover what truly keeps couples happy for the long haul, we asked relationship experts which habits the happiest couples have learned to leave behind.

Here are eight habits you should give up to make your relationship last.

1. The need to win every argument

Couples in healthy relationships know that being understood matters more than always being right; closeness outweighs correctness.

This doesn’t mean avoiding disagreement or hiding feelings. It means seeing when arguments shift from problem-solving to protecting pride. Happy couples stop treating disagreements as competitions and start solving problems together.

Carla Crivaro, a sex, love, and relationship coach, says couples intent on winning arguments end up pushing each other away because deeper needs go unmet. “They will find ways to correct information, say that what the other person said is wrong or bring up other issues that aren’t relevant to the topic at hand,” she says.

Carla adds that couples who overcome this get curious about what their partner is really saying. “They try to understand the other person and listen without taking their complaint personally. They pause, take a breath and ask a question to understand more.”

If you aren’t sure what question to ask your partner, Carla says that ‘tell me more’ is a good place to start: “It gives the other person freedom to express and feel listened to. This helps to build trust and emotional intimacy.”

2. Keeping score and replaying old mistakes

What do happy, long-lasting relationships have in common? No more tallying who did the washing up, who apologised last or who made the bigger sacrifice. Instead, they resolve conflicts and avoid using past failures as weapons in new disagreements. Forgiveness only works if the past stays in the past.

Carla says replaying old mistakes often happens when a partner feels unheard the first time. “There is often a deeper need that wants to be met that isn’t being addressed,” she says.

“An example I had was a client’s husband playing football on a Saturday when she had all three children to take to clubs. She complained about the football, and he defended his need to play sports for health and community. What we had to understand together was that it wasn’t the football that was the problem for her. She was on her own, doing all the legwork, which she found stressful and overwhelming. Once she brought the real issue to him, they were able to find a solution together so that she felt supported with the children and he got time for himself to play sports.”

For couples who often face this issue, Carla suggests relationship check-ins: “These are designated times every week, a couple of weeks or a month, where the couple sit down or go for a walk and listen with curiosity and care about the other person’s complaints. Most of the time, people aren’t looking for a resolution. They’re just looking to be heard and seen.”

3. The fantasy of mind-reading

Early romance can create the illusion that true love means instinctively knowing what your partner needs. Over time, couples learn that clarity is kinder than guessing. Instead of expecting their partner to detect stress or disappointment, they learn to communicate openly.

Carla explains mind-reading stems from difficulty with uncomfortable conversations. “There can also be a part of us that desires to be ‘saved’ and ‘looked after’,” she says.

Carla says expecting a partner to know your thoughts or feelings sets them up to fail. “Couples who do this can have a hard time knowing what they want and asking for it. Being in a relationship like this can leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. There is the fear of rejection, and it feels vulnerable,” she continues.

Carla observes that successful couples notice and express their needs. “I remember a client who was normally the one to make dinner. One morning, as he was running out the door, he shouted that he would be home late. When he got home, he was upset to find his wife was sitting watching TV, waiting for him to come home and cook. What he wanted was for her to sort out the dinner. He assumed that the information he gave would be enough. Couples who communicate healthily aren’t afraid to name it; they will say exactly what they want. We discovered that much of his experience of not feeling cared for or appreciated came from him not being clear on what he wanted, so he was continuously disappointed.”

Carla adds that it’s our role to express our needs and standards in relationships: “Our needs and boundaries can be in a constant state of flux as we evolve and change over time. What we wanted or expected in the past will be different in the future. Clear, open and respectful communication about what those needs are is essential. If you don’t have clear expectations, expect disappointment.”

4. Protecting every inch of personal independence

Many people fear that commitment means sacrificing independence. Healthy couples, however, see it instead as reshaping freedom. They celebrate becoming a ‘we’ while maintaining their individuality. “A healthy relationship is typically a balance between connection and autonomy,” says Georgina Vass, a relationship and sex therapist.

“Humans are inherently social and connection is a basic need. In romantic relationships, people rarely lose independence suddenly; it usually happens gradually. The danger is adapting so thoroughly that one ‘disappears’ in the relationship, so it’s important to maintain enough distance to remain visible as distinct individuals,” Georgina continues.

Healthy couples nurture friendships, passions and personal identities beyond the relationship. Over time, they move past the belief that needing someone signals weakness. Including each other in decisions and dreams becomes a joyful addition, not a sacrifice.

Clear communication helps, Georgina says, “along with practising small acts of vulnerability, such as making gentler compromises as trust builds”.

5. The belief that love alone does all the work

People in long-term relationships often outgrow the myth that relationships thrive without active effort. The idea that love alone sustains a partnership sets unrealistic expectations and ignores the need for intentional work.

Long-term partnerships require active, ongoing commitment – such as facing difficult conversations, adjusting expectations and continually showing up for each other. Strong relationships result from maintenance, not autopilot.

In describing this belief, Carla notices that those who hold this notion struggle to bring maturity to the relationship. “Expecting things to ‘just fall into place’ comes from someone who doesn’t believe, want or have the capacity to provide for that relationship. They want the benefits but without the effort. They don’t want the other person to bring any difficult conversations to the table. So they often deflect or hide. They lack the willingness or ability to take responsibility for their role in the relationship or its direction.”

On the flip side, Carla claims that couples with healthier relationship dynamics recognise communication as key. “They recognise that challenges enable the couple to evolve individually and also get to support each other and work as a team. They are open to support if times become particularly complicated, and they are willing to explore various avenues to help each other feel met and understood. They often have values in alignment and a strong sense of direction where they are going as a couple, whether that is around specific future financial goals or how they want to bring up their children.”

6. The fantasy of the ‘perfect partner’ or the urge to ‘fix’ their partner

The belief that there is a single, flawless soulmate who effortlessly conquers every challenge can set people up for disappointment, Georgina says. She explains, “Love manifests itself in countless ways and is rarely perfect. The fantasy of the perfect partner may actually be a fantasy of painless love. But intimacy is not the absence of flaws — it’s the capacity to remain connected despite them.”

Happy couples, meanwhile, reject the perfect partner checklist and choose to love the real, imperfect person in front of them.

Sex and relationship therapist Rhian Kivits offers a similar view, telling me, “Letting go of the fantasy of having the ‘perfect partner’ is not to do with lowering your standards or settling for less than you truly deserve. It’s actually about allowing deeper authenticity, compassion, acceptance and therefore closeness into your relationship.”

Happy couples accept each other’s flaws instead of trying to change their partner. They voice concerns honestly and trust in their partner’s capability to grow on their own.

Rhian believes that letting go of perfection allows couples to feel safe, authentic and seen — key foundations for long-term relationship success. “You also gain the capacity to navigate the natural ups and downs that occur between couples as a result of their differences, flaws or mistakes,” Rhian continues. “And the security and trust we can enjoy when we know that change and personal growth takes place because it’s authentic, not being forced just to keep the relationship or appease the other person.”

7. Social media highlight-reel comparisons

Comparing ourselves to others is a deeply rooted instinct that has helped us survive and thrive. Georgina, a relationship expert, says, “Not all comparisons are bad, however, in my work, I rarely hear about the ‘upward’ comparisons that can boost motivation or inspiration, and mostly hear about the comparisons that are centred around a client’s perceived flaws or weaknesses, or those of their partner.”

She continues, “Depending on the frequency or intensity of the comparisons, this can become problematic for people, and it can create stress. Social comparisons are inherently subjective and can be inaccurate: just because you think it doesn’t make it true. Create new narratives by shifting your focus of attention beyond the info that fits your bias.”

Building on this, Rhian notes that real happiness comes from appreciating the moments unique to your relationship, rather than comparing it to others online. “You are able to relax into the lifestyle and choices that feel right for you rather than going through the motions just because you feel you ought to in order to have a happy relationship”

She further believes that couples who prioritise privacy over performance and enjoy special moments without worrying about others’ opinions thrive. They share experiences just for themselves, not for public display.

“For example, in my work, I have met couples who don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, because they would rather be spontaneously appreciative of each other. I’ve also met couples who chose a different kind of honeymoon because they wanted action and adventure rather than a Maldives-style beach.”

Rhian explains that prioritising privacy over performance liberates couples from the pressure to spend unnecessary money or to create appearances. She says, “You can just be yourselves and make memories that feel unique to you, just for you, Rhian says. “This brings the focus back onto you and the quality of your experience within the relationship; you are looking inward rather than outward, and this has to be a good thing because you are focused on relationship health and satisfaction.”

8. Not needing to like all of your partner’s friends or family all the time

It’s normal to care for your partner while finding some of their loved ones difficult. “Ideally, a relationship will contain enough respect, flexibility and boundaries to accommodate discrepancies and differences and avoid them spoiling the partnership,” Georgina says. “But this can be challenging in practice, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Maintaining curiosity and focusing on shared goals may help with this particular obstacle.”

Couples who navigate this well understand the value of nurturing their own friendships, savouring time with their own circle, and realising that happiness does not require merging every aspect of their lives.

A big issue, Rhian says, is the conflict she often sees between couples regarding wider family and friendship groups. “It can put huge pressure on a relationship when you are trying to fit in with each other’s families or friends, and perhaps there is a history or some kind of conflict, differences in expectations, preferences or values or even the feeling of being pulled in different directions and conflicted because you are trying to keep everyone happy.”

Rhian notes the difficulty of being between your partner and your parents. Keeping the peace while managing friendships and relationships is also challenging. “We are not responsible for our friends or parents’ flaws or for aspects of them that our partner doesn’t like, and it can feel difficult when we carry the burden of this on our shoulders.”

Once you let go of this burden, Rhian claims, it becomes easier to balance time with your partner and time with family and friends. “You can each enjoy your freedom and independence (in a healthy way, of course, within the boundaries you have agreed and negotiated for your relationship) and you remove the pressure or problems you might experience when you try to merge absolutely everything and everyone.”

Spending time apart to pursue your interests is equally important. When you reunite, you bring new stories and experiences, and reconnecting feels sweeter.

“This keeps the energy within your relationship fresh, minimises potential conflict that might arise that is rooted in this area, and helps you each maintain a healthy sense of self.”

Rhian stresses the importance of communicating and agreeing on how this will look. Each couple is different, and there’s no ‘right’ way to manage your time. “It helps to share your expectations and wishes with each other and to acknowledge that you may each feel differently about the other person’s family or friends and that this is okay.”

“You do need to make sure that you are attending to your relationship as a priority, and so it is always helpful to make sure that there is balance in this area. You also need to be willing to communicate if you feel the balance is being lost.”